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My lovely Auntie Lil once took our bus inspector Bill
Into her bedroom and with great annoyance said,
"Outside our house you've put a stop, and the passengers on top
Can look in and see my husband and me in bed."
He said, "You're joking," she said, "You'll see, just lie down on the bed with me,"
So he lay down with her to avoid more fuss.
Her old man came in and saw 'em, but Bill kept his decorum,
He said "It's all right, I'm just waiting for a bus."

Chorus
The early morning mist, the first time that we kissed outside the churchyard,
Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was old and lined.
The swiftly fading memory of a song that we used to sing as children,
These are the things you'll find amongst the ashes of the dustbins of your mind.

On an outing by the sea, two old men sat near to me,
And took their boots off for a paddle by the pier,
One said "You rotten swine, your feet are dirtier than mine,"
He said "Of course they are, I didn't come last year."
And on the sea wall by the sand a boy was holding in his hand,
A cornet purchased from the cafeteria,
He dropped it down a lady's neck and she hollered "Bloomin 'eck!
That seagull must have flown straight from Siberia!"

[chorus]

As Charlie passed away his young wife heard him say,
"I've been unfaithful to you many times my dear."
She said, "Oh darling, never mind, in fact I knew it all the time,
That's why I put that arsenic in your beer."
Old Fred once took offence (a fence), it was the one outside our Gents,
It was opened up officially last year.
It was christened by Lord Grey and people came from miles away,
Because they'd heard tell that he was a Liberal Peer.

[chorus]